After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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