I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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