It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
