oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
