No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
