and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
third nipple confirmed
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
