Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
