Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
