I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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