Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
