I think im going to throw up on grandma
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
