I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
