I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
