Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize