i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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