I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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