my phone needs a breathalizer
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
