I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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