JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize