i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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