i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
