she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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