I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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