I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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