I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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