I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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