omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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