the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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