your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
