I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
