I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Who died my cat blue again?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
