the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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