I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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