How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I need to calm my uterus...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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