Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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