So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
