the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
