I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
