How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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