Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
