Three words: puerto rican gang bang
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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