I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
How naked do you want me to be?
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