is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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