I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
