He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
