put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
