Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
