i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize