Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
