you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
