Who wears a wallet chain?!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
