birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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