I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
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