Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
