turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
